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Do you prefer to wield the power in a relationship?

Normally, yes. Absolutely a big old fat control freak. But sometimes… I don’t know. I guess we’ll see if I ever find a hottie who can tame me.

What’s your favorite quality in a man?

I like ‘em bigger than me. I’m tall, so that’s really a stickler for me. I wanna feel like a lady and still wear my stilettos.

What would be the first impression most people get when they meet you?

That I’m ghetto fabulous. They wish they were me or with me. That’s all I care about. Bring on the haters.

If there was one thing about your LOOKS that you could change, what would it be?

My hair. Oh. Wait. I DO change that. Never mind.

What drives you to do things you might regret later?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…

What is your biggest pet peeve about living with Ria?

Good God, that girl leaves her clothes wherever she takes them off. Drives me bonkers! That and the weird shit she likes to put in her food. Pickles and root beer are just blech.

What do you two argue about the most?

Whether soft serve vanilla or chocolate is better. At least we both agree that the twist is just wrong. Oh God, you should hear us about chocolate in general. She likes this grainy shit dark chocolate, and I like the minty milk. Oh! And there’s the left or right debate. You should always eat the left Twix bar first, and Ria always eats the right. Then there’s the fortune cookie debate. She has to eat the whole cookie before she’ll read her fortune, and you’re supposed to eat half, read, then eat the other half. Drives me insane!

Who’s your idol?

Sylvie Guillem. She mixes ballet and contemporary with such dramatic, heart-stopping technique. And she’s 48 and still dancing interesting and challenging work. I saw her in 6,000 Miles Away. Oh, my, shit. I almost died.

What’s Ria’s deepest, darkest secret?

I could answer that but then you and anyone privy to the interview would have to be marooned on an uncharted island protected by military satellite, and thus, unfindable by any GPS or map. <Said with her most innocent big eyed expression.>

Can you give us a hint?

Hubcaps, silver spray paint, and pomegranates, and that’s all you’re getting out of me on the subject.

What do you and Ria do in your free time?

You know, read and shit. We bitches gots brains.

What’s the last song you listened to?

“Lips Like Morphine” by Kill Hannah. “I wanna girl with lips like morphine… Blow a kiss that leaves me gasping…” <Blows a kiss.>

What do you pretend to feel strongly about, just to impress people?

That the coffee beans served at my job are free trade. I really couldn’t give two shits, but the hippies give better tips when it looks like I care. And there’s this real big hippie that comes in whose got this hot alpha thing going on, so I’ve had to learn all about it and shit to talk to him. In the interest of science I’ve devised an experiment to see if hippie coffee tastes better when licked off washboard abs. Results to follow.

Thanks for coming to talk to me today, Ari.

No problem, Babydoll. I’m always down.

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